I was supposed to have lunch today with two friends. One I know well, and spend a lot of time with. The other was hosting the lunch at her house. I used to work with her, and we were close at the time, but I haven't talked to her much since she left about 6 months ago.

This morning my close friend called and said she couldn't come because she had to wait for the A/C repair man.

The panic began to set it.

It's not like I don't know K (the hostess). We worked together for six months, and in many ways she was like a mentor to me. She did all the visual displays in the store, and I learned a ton from her. So why was I apprehensive to spend time alone with her?

It was too late for me to cancel, I knew she had already done the shopping and preparing for lunch.

I drove over with butterflies in my stomach. I just knew it was going to be awkward. I'd have nothing to say, she'd think I'm boring, etc.

Of course, the second K opened the door, I knew it was fine. She gave me a tour of her breathtakingly beautiful home, and we sat and talked for two hours over lunch without a gap in the conversation.

It's always fine.

So why do I psych myself out? Why don't I want to have new friends?

Whenever someone wants to do something, I always have an excuse as to why I can't make it. If my boyfriend's going to be there then it's all good. It's the whole being alone with people making conversation thing I just can't seem to handle.

I need to let my fucking guard down.