The Weight Of The World

It’s funny to me how variable our opinions on weight can be. Fat, skinny. Chunky, thin. It’s all relative.

I, like most people, have put on a little weight over the last few years since I’ve been out of high school. Not an exceptional lot, it’s less than ten pounds. However, I hate the way it sits on me. It’s all in my hips and thighs. I have a small frame, so the extra weight is really evident on me. I’ve also gained a size (or two, depending on the brand). I was a four or a six, now I wear up to an eight.

Trust me when I say I worry about this weight a lot. Obsess, possibly. I work out and eat (mostly) healthy, but the weight is stubborn. At this point, I’m really just hoping to maintain more so than lose.

On Saturday, my boyfriend, his brother, and his brother’s fiancé were discussing weight. My boyfriend’s brother said he’d be happy if he just lost his gut. His fiancé said she’d be happy if she were “Amanda-sized”.

This blew my mind.

Here I am, constantly looking down on myself, beating myself up for weighting more than 130 pounds, while someone else is envying me. I knew she had put on a few pounds, but it turns out she weighs closer to 180. I honestly would have thought we weighed about the same. That’s how distorted my perception of myself is. There’s a 45 pound difference between us, but I still thought we were the same size. That’s kind of fucked up.

But what can I do? How can I make myself see myself more clearly? I can't stop seeing the chubby thighs and the way my stomach rolls a bit when I sit down. I know in my head that 135 pounds isn't huge. I know that a size eight isn't gigantic. I see other size eights and think they look fine, healthy even. I can't feel the same way about myself.


Poppy said...

(A calculator was used in the making of this comment.)

You weigh less than I do, sweetie.

Avitable said...

Send me a naked picture of you, and I'll send you a response asserting how hot you are. That will help. Both of us.

Robin said...

When I was thin I obsessed and never appreciated what I was...never. I wish I had now that I am 60 lbs on top of when I used to obsess. I'm starting to think I should appreciate what I am now because someday I might be in a mumu.

whall said...

Anyone can obsess about anything, no matter how unimportant is in a relative way.

I have a few pithy cliches that might help pass the time while you deal with your apparent lack of perspective :)

- you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
- no matter how great your triumph or how low your despair, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
- when you can't breathe, nothing else matters
- do I look fat in this?

Amanda said...

Poppy- But I in no way think that you're fat.

Avitable- That is kind of you to offer

Robin- I think the mumu is what scares me the most

Wayne- I'm really good at obsessing